life's surprises

i was going to update the blog because dawn kept asking me and i wasn't going to let majority of my readers down. i wrote all about gaming.
i was writing it while i watched sex and the city's final episode. i should mention that my phone just beeps when it gets a message.
i was really surprised when my phone had 8 unread messages when i checked it after the show.
the next thing i know i'm on the phone with dawn (same dawn as above) panicking because we got news that our friend hazel just passed away.
she's a year younger than me and i haven't seen her in years and she was happy the last time i saw her. happy and healthy and in love. nothing can beat that. plus the fact that she was doing well in her studies and her work.
we were friends back in elementary school. most people tell me that it was such a long time ago. that it shouldnt affect me as much. but it does.
the four of us, Dawn Hazel and Suzanne were part of this group called PHD'S. Yes, those were the days when having a name for your clique and all the other cliques were cool. dawn was actually embarrassed when i wrote that in the scrapbook a few of us did.
i'm actually sorry i dont have a lot of pictures of the four of us or that we never got to spend some time together after college.
i still remember hazel. i remember that she was always the most mature person in our group but she never told anyone to do. she would always back up any crazy scheme we might have. she invited us to spend the night at her house twice. we rented laser disks ( something i never had ) and talked about boys all night though her dad didnt like it. we even thought he was sharpening his samurai swords to warn us.
she had a mirror in her room and i couldnt sleep in it coz i was so worried of what i'll see in it or what will come out of it coz it was huge.
she was always so pretty. we were both really tall but i was too awkward.
the only fight she had with us was when she really liked this guy and i sort of got in the middle coz i kinda liked him too. yes, not so teenage blues when you both like and hate boys... we called him Ignoramus Maximus (yes dawn i remember) and his group the "Untouchables". looking back, they dont really deserve that name.
she never showed anger or tears the way normal 8 to 12 year olds did which involved screaming insults or writing hate mail ;p
i loved that group because i always felt i could be myself and there were three other people to back me up. i could be crazy and weird and love being weird.
we also used to write stories. sometimes i think that's what i really lost in elementary - the ability to write.
i mean sure i probably had dreadfully unbelievable stories and my grammar and spelling were horrible but i wrote.
everyday.
i was happy to learn hazel didnt lose that.
the wake didnt really make me realize that she was truly gone from this earth. although the fact that her parents still remember me is heartwarming and a little embarrassed about what i did that made me so unforgettable.
not even seeing her inside the casket made the reality sink in.
it was her eulogy.
hazel's eulogy was the first eulogy i ever attended. i dont know how to attend funerals as an adult. i was always a kid. i dont know how to tell people im sorry for their loss and that everything will be fine. because i dont even know if it will be ok for them.
the room was packed with people and the only thing that weirded me out were the little metal hands that held the mass cards.
i loved hearing about how hazel was in high school, in college and after college. she had a plan and she knew she could do it.
i miss her because i always though when she came back, we could all meet up again and talk. the only times i got to talk to her we still had a connection.
now we can't.
i wouldn't be able to talk to her and ask her about all her past loves, her favorite authors, favorite movies or read what she writes.
the people who talked on her eulogy knew one thing, saying goodbye to someone our age doesn't seem right. except for those who have quarter life crisis, life can be perfect at this age. we're not kids and we can still act like kids.
i just didnt want to say goodbye to anyone at this age.