Isolation Journals

I have actually been catching up on the Isolation Journals prompts to be inspired to write everyday.  Isolation Journals was started by someone named Suleika Jaouad who started this as a daily creativity project to help people during these times of quarantine.

I've restarted this blog which no one reads because any output from the prompt does not require an audience.

This daily prompt does help me when I am in a slump.

I want to write everyday because it keeps me sane and if I don't have any other topic in mind, this really helps.

So for some insane reason, you are reading this, why don't you sign up and give it a try?

Fear

Fear is an irrational emotion.   Other people can look at something I am afraid of and never understand why I cannot sleep or breathe whenever I start to think about it.

I understand that. I respect that. I can also look at a spider and wonder why some people have panic attacks from something so little.

I feel my fear as a coldness in my heart that spreads to my hands.  Not a simple feat considering the high heat we experience in a tropical country on a day to day basis.  I feel it as a know in my chest, as a paralyzing agent in my veins.

I run from fear. I am not brave.

I fear my job and I want to run from it but I do not know what I can do.  I need work. I need money but I feel like I lost that feeling of loving work.

I don't know if it is just Covid and the quarantine.

All I know is I am scared of it. 

Let's see if I can find either a yoga or meditation app to help me.

Nathan's Letter

Dear Nathan,

I am posting this because as we are in quarantine because of the Corona Virus, I have decided to start blogging again.  Blogging is such an old social media trend, I doubt even your younger brother knows what it is about. 

Yet here we are.

When I lost you, blogging helped me to ease my pain.  Writing does help. I've always written down my thoughts or stories in journals even when I was a child. I actually thought I would be a writer but, like everything else, I am not disciplined enough to follow through on that talent.

I am writing to you because I have never written to you.

I barely knew you. 

In the one day and a half that you were here on earth, I spent less than 2 hours with you - something I will always regret. April 18, 2019. If I had the ability to go back in time, I would go there just so I can spend more time with you.

Which is probably why when your younger brother was born, the moment I was taken back from the Recovery Room, I went to the Nursery immediately.

I sometimes imagine what you would be like as a child. You would be 11 years old now.  I imagine a soft spoken boy who loves to read books and write like me.  Circumstances of your health will probably lead you to more indoor activities unlike your brother, but you will be braver.  Going against the odds would drive your life.

Maybe one day I will write a story about you and your brother.

I also want to say sorry for missing your birthday. April is usually the most emotional month for us.  A lot of our family members die during April and I feel most vulnerable during April.

It is my birthday but something bad always happens to me.

Having you was the best.

Losing you was the worst.

You will always be my firstborn.

I love you.  Till we meet again.

your Mother.

40

To be fair, the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42.  However, 40 is still a pretty big milestone.
I've had a fairly good life. I've had bad years and I've had good years. 2009 was a bad year, 2019 and right now after reading my other blog, apparently even 2014 was bad. 
In my experience though, years that follow bad ones are usually good and I had such high hopes for 2020...
Three months into 2020 though and we have gone through a volcanic eruption and a pandemic. My son, who was such a sweet child before suddenly became a demonic teenager and has decided to start fighting me.  Work is okay but I am under so much stress I wonder all the time if this is really right for me.
I feel like I am always being thrown into a situation that I am not prepared for and it is exhausting.
I missed my solo trip to Japan.  I was so worried of catching the virus and risking my family that I decided not to go anymore.
So no marathon, no solo trip, no hotel staycation and I barely managed to buy myself a cake.
We just went through one quarter and I feel like this year is so long.
Though looking back at the last 40 years, I have been able to accomplish a lot:

I ran a marathon even if my heart could not technically handle it.
I went through two miscarriages but
I had a child even though it was impossible to have one.
I swam with sharks - reef sharks and a whale shark.
I went to Europe on my own.
I broke an ankle.
I lost weight.
I've drunk so much I forgot what happened except for the throwing up part.
I performed in front of people multiple times.
I've climbed mountains, dove down the sea...
I've gone to Japan 8 times now, across all 4 seasons.
I found my soulmate.

I'm basically ticking my bucket list.

I just need to write all this down, finish my novel and I am good.

I just need to survive.

Here's to the next 40-60 years coz I plan to live till I am a 100 or at least live my life to the fullest.
Wish me luck.