Thursday, April 23, 2020

Nathan's Letter

Dear Nathan,

I am posting this because as we are in quarantine because of the Corona Virus, I have decided to start blogging again.  Blogging is such an old social media trend, I doubt even your younger brother knows what it is about. 

Yet here we are.

When I lost you, blogging helped me to ease my pain.  Writing does help. I've always written down my thoughts or stories in journals even when I was a child. I actually thought I would be a writer but, like everything else, I am not disciplined enough to follow through on that talent.

I am writing to you because I have never written to you.

I barely knew you. 

In the one day and a half that you were here on earth, I spent less than 2 hours with you - something I will always regret. April 18, 2019. If I had the ability to go back in time, I would go there just so I can spend more time with you.

Which is probably why when your younger brother was born, the moment I was taken back from the Recovery Room, I went to the Nursery immediately.

I sometimes imagine what you would be like as a child. You would be 11 years old now.  I imagine a soft spoken boy who loves to read books and write like me.  Circumstances of your health will probably lead you to more indoor activities unlike your brother, but you will be braver.  Going against the odds would drive your life.

Maybe one day I will write a story about you and your brother.

I also want to say sorry for missing your birthday. April is usually the most emotional month for us.  A lot of our family members die during April and I feel most vulnerable during April.

It is my birthday but something bad always happens to me.

Having you was the best.

Losing you was the worst.

You will always be my firstborn.

I love you.  Till we meet again.

your Mother.

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